this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize