i may or may not be watching the land before time
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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