I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
