There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
