After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Randomize
