Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
