Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
