fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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