Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
