It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
