i think i have two assholes
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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