So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
