he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
