If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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