Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
