last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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