Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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