My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
