i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
