I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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