I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
