she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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