do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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