i was born a porn star she said
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize