Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
it's like iHOP with fire
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
