Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
