I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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