my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
