It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I will be naked everywhere
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
