u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
