Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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