Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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