You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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