i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize