Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
