so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
