1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
