Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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