There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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