I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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