Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
