ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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