May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
