we have pet lesbian snakes
if only i could text you this smell
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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