My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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