evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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