Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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