I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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