Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
