On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
