I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Randomize
