Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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