i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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