He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
just found out that she named her cat after me.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
