My cat gives me a boner
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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