Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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