Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
