I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
