I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize