True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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