One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
