the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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